I need to feel your love. I know you are there but knowing does not feel like enough right now. I want to feel it with every cell of my body...in every fiber of my being. You are Love. You are the Source from which all things good and worthwhile flow. Without You, I am nothing. I feel like nothing right now. I try to be something. I give thought to what I can do that will leave a special mark in the world...some evidence that I was here and the living of my life mattered. I fret at not knowing what this mark should be. I fret at the thought that somehow I might not matter. The reality, at least what I can conceive of it in this moment, is that I matter as much as you say I do. I matter because I am here...I am alive...I exist. I matter because You chose to breathe life into me and You chose to give me consciousness...of not only myself but of the world around me and You. I don't think I need to question anything beyond this. The very fact that I exist tells me that I am loved...and should the lights dim on my physical existence, I firmly believe I will become more vastly aware of my spiritual existence. All this said, I still long to feel you in me. I long to feel Your love expand and take up residence in my body and being. I cannot do this life alone...without You. It means next to nothing without You. I place blame on the inadequacies of those around me...but the reality is, of course they are! In comparison to You, all things are inadequate. No one's love but Yours will suffice. I want Yours. I want to drink You in, I want my cup to runneth over. I have experienced that before and long to experience it again. Please help me to show up...to do the work of showing up for the relationship with You. I have nothing to give without receiving from you first. I only matter to the extent that I allow your Love in. Please help me to open to Your abundant river. I am so very thirsty. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I just finished posting a series of clothing fabric pics to Instagram from a recent trip to Assisi, Italy. This is one of them. The colors and textures transport me to another time when I perceive that life moved at a different pace and creating beautiful works of art with our hands was commonplace. I am inspired to bring these influences into our homestead so that we...and others spending time in the "nurturing hearth homestead"...can be supported in slowing down a bit. I straddle the world of present and past daily as I transport myself from our rural farm property to my city office where I spend my weekdays immersed in a world of "modern convenience". As the winter months edge in closer and I return in darkness to our little rural homestead, I find myself missing some of the lights and sounds that make the long dark nights a little brighter. At the same time I am feeling an internal nudge to lean into the darkness and into the experience of "no time" that takes over when the illuminated digital reminders of time go away. As my weeks of 'to and fro' come to an end, I find myself naturally longing for the respite our new home and surroundings offer. The approach of Monday morning informs me that the clock keeps ticking no matter where I am. But after 3 months of taking up residence in our new home I am noticing a shift. While I used to feel like we were crash landing into "bedtime", now the quiet dark lulls us into the routine and time seems to spread out a little more. While I used to fight sleep, milking the most out of each waking moment, now I feel the sweet calm of country nights cradling me into the warmth of bed and transporting me into the world of whatever book I am reading. While I used to awake feeling my heart jump at the start of a new day with a hurried eagerness steal a few moments for myself before the world encroached upon me, now I find myself more rested and rising sufficiently early allowing me to ease into my day still held by the quiet stillness surrounding me. The commute is longer, the neighbors more scarce, the distractions hopelessly absent. What fills that void remains to be seen...it certainly has me pondering...and grateful for this moment now to write about it.
I'm Kelly Isabelle.
Full-time workin' mama & spouse aspiring to live a slowly paced, sustainably minded, creatively expressed, clutter-free life shared with kindred folk.